4-11/ 12-09 Timidly, humbly, kindly: I guess. Then, venture the thought of your recent meltdown had a significant degree of spurring from two more sources than both ①:disappearing male friendship and, ②: latent lingering residual senses of father-hatred. Were you to comprehend what I am about to attempt to portray as 2 additional added causes that I feel are worthy enough of considering that I even will let myself try to write about it, because of some sense of how some of what I make reference to may possibly be labeled as quackery, and the like by others. This is their prerogative and really has no bearing anything; unless, of course, you, I, or anyone lets it loom very large seeming. Were you to grasp the gist of my suggestion And try to gauge just how much of these two additional factors that I put forth here in supposition, may have, in fact, been significantly-contributory in stimulating some of your sense-of-concern(s) during the period just prior to your letter, received here on March 29th. Here's the first one:①: societally-instigated fear & sense-of-insecurity and repetitive negatively-toned messaging saturating media outlets non-stop for a half a year prior to your flub flew off-the-handle. Now you must be assured that I hold, nor will I ever hold any of this against you. None of this is your fault, and you must not let yourself feel as to blame for any of this that presses upon you sometimes to where you feel so oppressed by this sense of an obsessive compulsion, & you, or anyone else is gonna bust out loud screaming bloody murder. You see?: Understanding this tendency-toward-foible in our human condition--or should I say: conditioning?--allows me a complete & total sense-of-forgiveness for/ about/ toward your occasional notso dear daughter routines as but the mere (and predictable) manifestations of the experiential sense-of-an-intolerable pressure over which you have, so far, proved unable to resist and repress, 100% successfully. & you must be reminded, here & now, that I was never very adept at absorbing and safely successfully sublimating my own sense-of-outrage's energies into, at least, semi-acceptable behaviorings 100% either. My musical ability, though barely passable, at best, gave me shelter, escape, and a sense-of-release that usually served me well for many days after certain musical performances that went well; and let us not talk here about the ones that didn't go so well and only left the sour taste for a few days for the effect to wear off and me to get all excited to go play more music with someone/ anyone other than myself, which always was a very self-satisfying endeavor, but we humans, at least the kind of young man that I was, then, are reputed to be a social creature, & when it came to making music: the more the better if they have any coherant sensitivity to that moment then occurring in their music making wherein potentials can, but rarely do, become endless. ☻♥ You are thoroughly forgiven for your outburst, &'ll be so in the future. We are all about as equal as anyone has a right to feel about our equalities' birthrights. I laid this type of stuff—or tried to, anyway-- on Paul and Hilda when I was in my 30s. I could think to presume that all 30-somethings try to urge some final-seeming attempted demands on the patience of their aging parent(s) to-endure. I did it. You did it. He did it, she did it, & it did it, like it always seems to do at all the most inopportune moments, & so forth—think Murphy's Law (& quackery?) All people do it in their lives: It's only human. Not always as humane as many might wish, but human... We are—you, I, & everyone is—trying to maintain & continue to co-exist under an already pressurized highly-charged socio-economic emotional roller coaster-like Zeitgeist, lately, and almost all of it in a very negatively-charged tone. And the news reports of people going apparently berserk and with bloody massacres in the news almost every day, now, is it any wonder that Jadene's grip on the handle of one of her oars slipped? Nada. No wonder. No wonder a-tall. Especially when or if one considers❷
Number ② factor was (I'm only postulating): The swelling of the moon toward full (near Mar 12th) & past, just as the energy-stimulus of Vernal Equinox went on-the-increase, is the time period or time-frame from where I am supposing is when your bubble began to seem like it was about to burst or was already bursting? If I am correct in this supposition—& I'm willing to bet that I am, if even only partly—then in my eyes & heart-of-spirit or spirit-of-heart: You are even that much more forgiven for such an outburst as your recent letter surely was. A bursting out, as in a spring bud, to release the accumulated detritus of a long, cool, moist, uncomfortable winter—and to breathe deeply of some fresher air, in a manner of speaking. ¶ This will pass, if it hasn't already; all things do. Hey: Soon I will pass too, and then you really won't have any further excuse to clutter up your senses with such turmoil as I gather that you sometime get to feeling within yourself in associative-reckonings and remembering of me who was father, once, appear to inspire in your thoughts. Until then, I will continue to stay open to trying to try to communicate anything I feel really worthy while hoping not to ruffle any more feathers than it takes only to jump-start your own self's self-re-steering efforts into your own unique blend of a self-metamorphosis as will (or seem to) suit your being and images-of-being, and who you wannabe versus who you are; knowledge about yourself; confidence in this knowing state-of-(desired?)-being being fairly, honorably, respectably, reliably, humbly, kindly, and spiritually--if you will—grounded. You can ground (or found) your premises just as independently as I do. Pick and chose what you feel that you are and you aren't; will and won't be or do... This decision-making responsibility is just sometimes seeming to be such a bitch, doesn't it?,to have to, or even just FEEL that you (or I, Jerit, mom, or et al.) have to, or just must convince anyone other than themselves about anything in such absolute terms that:-- may I suggest:--that your aim will already have become compromised, impaired by your raging heart's raging mind's grumbling soul's general and predictable shakiness, or some such. ¶ Temper, temperance, moderation. And patience, so clichέ yet so vital to building self-confident & habitual self-control with a modicum of cautious, conservative, hesitant groping frugality in all aspects of your personal life. Separate the real you from the you-who-reckons things in just monetary-terms and vόilά! : you are no longer a failure! Yes: You still strongly want to become able to honor your debt-obligation, at some point—an honorable intention---except, maybe, for when your grief, or sense of a grief gets in the way, and I'm sure this is a seriously held and felt grief over this crime that has been perpetrated upon you and of which you, therefore, are innocent!
Jadene: Would you believe me, bro, and mom when we assure you that: Because you are not at the real root of any 'fault,' therefore: then you needn't allow yourself to think of this debt in terms of fault and blame and to use as any justification to feel free to express hostile accusations; using these illusiorily-based emotions to justify what? That you are better than I am? I agree: You are; no argument there. You are all better people than I am, but this reality causes me no grievous senses or stressfulness when I mull this fact over, which is a daily occurrence, usually. And people who would deceive themselves into believing that they are better than me--or anyone, for that matter—and would also feel so-licensed to presume that they have some right to insist that I just must be feeling terribly miserable and depressed inside because I am just so awful; but:
Au contraire, mon dieux, Au contraire.
No comments:
Post a Comment