May 27 2008

                                                                                                      May 27, 2008

   If I think of now  not as of the current moment but as of the whole of the breadth and depth of all of my life's events—both the remembered moments and the 'unremembered'--in which every moment was the now of that moment . . . To put it another way: Even though every moment before now was 'then' and no longer now, still: It remains a part of now . . . like I mean: That now has always been a part of every moment of my life and therefore (I postulate) now equates to every one of those moments I have both consciously and subconsciously experienced. To some degree, I also include moments from before I was a born being wherein I postulate a belief that those, call them, ancestrally-remembered moments from before I came to life—and that I presume are transferable from one generation to the next through the as yet not-fully-understood genetic coding—it seems to me that my DNA comes replete with much memory attached. How else can I explain eruptions of thoughts and actions from within myself that I am positive no one ever told me I should be this way or that way. Some of the stuff I just seemed to have fallen into without any prodding from without just surfaced, independent from all outside press and instruction. Thoughts about what was either good or bad, right or wrong, beyond my 'formal' trainings and teachings, browbeats, and all the other encouragements and proferred enticements (bribes), etc., and dire warnings . . . all that stuff adults do (or did in my case, anyway) to try to teach or otherwise instill good behavior in their kids. Stuff comes along to perplex, then entice you to seek some sort of resolution, which then sometimes requires some decision on my part whether it is good or bad, safe to experiment with, or ought better to be left to one with more expertise in the subject to try to tackle. Often, I chose to investigate, and then to, less-frequently, explore or experiment with potential solution ideas that just swelled up from below my actual consciousness to present themselves to an oft-startled thinker . . . but some experimental proceedurings did, in fact, yield what might be properly defined as wisdom . . . probably only two or three-in-ten but they are the pivotal ones well worth having discovered them and would always and ever prove to be beneficial as my NOW progressed along its timeline; always being now, though bits and pieces of it fell back into some then that was mostly no longer now . . . until I remembered it again on my cyclic internal memory-rotations.

   I really don't quite know, actually, what I am trying to write about here, except that I thought to more fully cess out the possibility, probability of now not just being this here momentary moment, but actually the whole schmeer, the whole nine yards' worth of my endless processions of momentary moments of experiential bliss; plus the agony, ecstacy, and all the in betweens of the mix of genius eruptions overlaid with brain fart type bunglings to confound the mix and help always keep me on my (fig.) toes and ever apprehensive probably to near the same degree as must be the African Massai man stalking, or being stalked on the African savanna as he tries to protect his cows. I know that I am reaching here for an example of how I sometimes felt—though thousands of miles and a century removed from the Massai peoples of the sub-Sahara—similar degrees of alertness, adrenalin, and their accompanying levels of stress as any wildlands dweller, indigenous individual must feel and deal with. Here, in 'the west,' we also have the luxury (?) of deciding not to deal with it and just get stoned or drunk or otherwise distracted from such heavy heavy thinking . . . having a 'job' to do or a 'mission-in-life' or to life gives some outlet to any stuff that probably ought to be vented from bogging up the machinery in there, in your and my (and every other living and non-'living' thing as well) inner workings before it builds up too much pressure and goes bananas and mucks up—or, at least, Murphy's Law kicks in to spur a spin on things and have you (me) scratching your (my) head in perrenial quiz about such things as 'the law of averages' and wha hoppen'd?                                   (Boy, has this page ever been a loser!)